I had an interesting conversation with a stranger the other night. I was standing in a mostly empty parking lot in the dark with a group of people I don’t know. We were waiting to pick up orders we had placed that had been delivered to an empty church parking lot. It may sound sketchy, but it’s all legit. I promise. I started a conversation with the woman standing nearest me. Oh. I had heard her name and thought I knew something about her, so I asked her about it. I asked if she attended the church I attended. She hesitated for a second. Then she said no. She said she used to attend the church but had left it.
This woman then proceeded to tell me the reason in detail why her family had left the church that I have fallen in love with. She said she didn’t feel community in the church. Oh. Her family had been attending the church for several years so their kids could be involved in the youth group. Several of the family members were heavily involved in another ministry of the church. She and her husband had been a part of a small group that later disbanded. And in their attempts to join another group, they weren’t made to feel welcome. After awhile, they felt the church had become too cliquey. She said that when they left the church, no one from the church reached out to them to see if they were ok. No one contacted them to find out what was going on. No one. They heard from NO ONE.
She admitted to me, a stranger, that she knew they were partially responsible for not finding community in the church since they weren’t involved in a small group. She knew that was part of their problem. But she also said she and her husband felt it was time to move on after a key person in the church moved away. So they left, too.
I know it sometimes seems easier to slip away quietly and never look back than it is to keep trying even though no one’s watching.
Oh. They haven’t found a new church home yet. They’re still looking. And she said something interesting, yet not surprising. Most of the churches in the community aren’t biblically sound churches. They don’t really teach the Bible, and they’ve lost their way by instead focusing on cultural approval. That’s not what she’s looking for. And she knew that although our church is biblically sound, it just doesn’t seem to be the place for her. They’ve been attending a newer church where some of their kids attend. They’re not sure if that’s where they’ll land, but that’s where they are for now.
I told her of our experience with this church when we were newbies. I told her that no one was friendly. No one talked to us. But we have since gotten involved in a small group and other ministry areas. We are feeling community around us, and we’re developing relationships. And that’s the important thing to do in church. Get involved and meet other people. Many people are looking for friendship with others who have similar beliefs. It isn’t easy or comfortable. It takes work, and we need to push aside the discomfort we will feel when putting ourselves in an unfamiliar setting. It takes time to grow relationships and find our people. We need to embrace the need for community and actively seek it. We’re making progress, but we still have a ways to go.
This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. John 15:12-13
After talking with her, I thought of two other women who were attending the church when I first moved here. I don’t know their names, but I saw them on a regular basis. They weren’t together. They didn’t even know each other. Each of them sat alone. I never really saw them talking to anyone. Being new myself, I didn’t know if they were new or just kept to themselves. And, of course, I never spoke to them. Now neither of them are attending the church. I haven’t seen them in months. I wonder if they too felt a lack of community. I wonder if they too were overlooked by a church full of people every Sunday. It can happen, and it does happen far more often than we may realize.
Church. We need to do better than this. Even if we’re a solid introvert, we can still extend the hand of friendship when we see someone sitting alone. When we see a new person walk through the doors, we can greet them and introduce ourselves. And when someone is looking for a new small group, why not invite them to join yours? We all need community. We all need friendships. We all need fellowship. And we don’t get that by sitting alone and not getting involved.
This woman I met in the dark wasn’t looking for affirmation that she did the right thing by walking away. Nor was she looking for a lecture telling her she should go back and try again. She just needed to be heard. She needed to let out all the loneliness and disappointment when no one else had stopped to even ask. Perhaps it was easier telling a stranger in the dark. Oh. I had no idea that I would hear such a story. I was dismayed to think that my church could treat someone unkindly. But I also knew how I felt when no one spoke to me for weeks. When no one even saw that I existed.
I reached out to her the next day to let her know that I was praying that she and her husband could find a church where community and fellowship were plentiful. There are those churches. But I’ve learned something in life that’s easy to forget. The church is full of people. Imperfect people. And imperfect people sometimes overlook other people. We sometimes forget to open the door of friendship to someone else who isn’t already one of us. We don’t include those who are new. We don’t allow people who’ve attended our church for years to become part of our small group, because we don’t welcome change. We can do better. We must do better. Because if believers don’t treat other believers well, how are we treating unbelievers?
Later in the evening, this woman responded to my text. She said she had thought about our conversation that morning. Then she invited me and my husband to her family’s Christmas open house. We’ll go. We are all looking for friendship, fellowship, discipleship, acceptance and accountability. That’s what community is all about. And meeting new people is always the way to expand your community.
This problem isn’t confined to only my church. If we’re honest, it probably happens in most churches. We get set in our ways, and we expect someone else to take care of the new people or those who are searching for fellowship. We assume someone else will notice them. And that’s how many people are unknowingly pushed aside. If most people were aware of this problem in their church, they would be horrified. But would they make sure it never happened again? After all, church is the place where everyone is supposed to feel welcome.
It’s too bad that the church is just like workplaces and schools and neighborhoods where only the select are made to feel welcome. Locked-in friendship groups are very real in churches, just as they are in other areas of life. This isn’t community. It’s a clique. Shame on us Christians. Let’s open our hearts to those who are seeking relationships with fellow believers. No one is above the other.
Well, gotta go! I have a Christmas party to attend.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. 1 Peter 4:8-9
Mercy for the Day 